You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
