I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
