Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
where are my eyebrows?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
