Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
