Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
