Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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