even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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