it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
