wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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