just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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