Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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