I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
