i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
