I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
