Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
