i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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