I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
