the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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