does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
