Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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