I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
