where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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