do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
