You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
