Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
