Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
