Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
