this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
