A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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