yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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