You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
