thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
