never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
