If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize