Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
