Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
