Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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