Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
