so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
