So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
