My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
are you so shy because you have an std?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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