I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
