I am spending my child support on dildos
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Randomize
