If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
