all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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