Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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