He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
