Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
