I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is an emotional support booty call
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
