i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
