Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
