I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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