The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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