My room smells like vodka and shame
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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