i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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