when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I deserve this hangover.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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