I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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