my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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