He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
