apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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