Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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