I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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