im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
