There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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