her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
