i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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