I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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