I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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