there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
