It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize