i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
