I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
