I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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