So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
