Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
