You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Pants are for mortals
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
