I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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