He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize